In order for us to take off on time, which we don’t plan on doing anyways, please store your bigger bags in the overhead compartment and the smaller ones in the impossibly tiny area under your seat. We are pleased to offer limited leg space and edema.
Please make your way from the narrow isle, to your seats. For those of you who have not checked any luggage and who are unconsciously bashing your backpacks, laptop cases and purses in the already seated passenger’s faces, please hurry the fuck up and sit down. However, I’m sure you will have forgotten something in your stowed bags and will stand back up to inevitably ass bump someone’s head. For those of you who require assistance please let us know. We will be sure to talk behind your back about your neediness and roll our eyes if you seem competent but aren’t really trying to lift your bag over your head; so annoying. We also promise to shove all your bags so tightly together that we anticipate them shifting and dropping on your head when you open the bins… this makes us secretly smile. We are tired and have little to no patience.
We cross our fingers there’s no crash, as the pilot is struggling with withdrawal.
There are inflatables stashed beneath your seat that may or may not inflate.
The oxygen is a lie.
If you don’t already know how to use a seat belt, please get off the plane.
So please sit back, relax and enjoy the turbulent flying death trap you are strapped to.
Oh and please turn all hand held devices to airplane mode.
The mode of the air; a quick swipe of the finger that somehow allows electronic devices to be safe and “sleepy” as we careen high into the sky at an elevation that doesn’t make sense to me. However, it’s not mine to understand. I’ve been told I’m good at many things, but back row co-pilot does not need to be added to the list. So I’ll just trust the plane gods to get me from point A to B… or plane fairies. I would really like it if there were little fairies that lifted it high into the air. That would make me happy.
With all the madness that can occur on flight, I have somehow made peace with it. There are no medium threat issues that would cause me not to fly. Sometimes if the plane needs more fuel and we’re grounded, I think, “Come on! Let’s see how far this bad boy can go!” I actually enjoy flying. I have concluded that when surrounded by that many people; we have choices: to talk or to be a mute. It’s quite empowering. What I find interesting though, is when I do choose to speak; the “right” person is sitting next to me with an interesting story. However, when I’ve had enough and there’s a lull… the ear plugs and face mask come out to create a strong hint that this gal needs to hibernate. When desperate for quiet time, I will plug my senses even on a short haul flight, under an hour, just to send a bad ass message (or dorky), that I require silence.
I love airplane mode. I think it’s safer for everyone, if my electrical energy isn’t bouncing freely around a metal jar. Before I step onto a plane, my life is generally in a mild form of chaos. Everything from organizing my house to the little shit I forget to pick up before I go; makes for a week of running around and exhaustion. But I know that stillness is on its way. I know that when I step on that plane; whether it’s for an hour or fifteen… I am free. I am in rest mode. I choose to disconnect by swiping my mind to a vibration of self-care, self-love and connection. I put ear plugs in so I can hear the beat of my heart. I wear a mask so that my eyes rejuvenate and can remain moist even in that recycled mist they call air.
How often do you switch to the safety of airplane mode? Looking around I would say that most of us are in technology mode, ‘chicken with cut off head’ mode and ‘more is better’ mode. I’m not immune to this stuff. My life can be and has been a plethora of ‘cray cray’ that has left me depleted, empty and hungry. The idea that we cannot, for whatever reason, slow down, chill out or take a much deserved time out makes me shake my head at myself and then society.
What is brilliant is that switching modes is actually simple. It can be a solo cup of tea, a walk in nature or heading to bed early. Either way it will happen. Without airplane mode we will inevitably crash. We will then be given no choice but to back up from everything, including those things we love, and nurture the minor headache we’ve caused or at worst a chronic stress illness.
So check your busyness, stow your past baggage, and swipe. Take flight, close your eyes and enjoy the scenery. Be a tourist in your mind. Take a look around and observe your thoughts; see where the majority of stress is coming from and decide to make a change. After the flight ends, land safely and feel grounded.
Please take all your belongings as any items you leave will be sold. Whether you enjoyed your flight or not, is not our concern. Thank you for choosing this airline, even though we know we slashed prices, and you bought for the savings.
Good bye and safe journeys in this city or wherever your future destination may be.